Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
