can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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