Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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