So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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