When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
