a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
