Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
