I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
