Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize