You can't special order awesome
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I can't put those talents on a resume
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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