If i come over, it means nothing
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
