In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Let's get the cat blown out
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize