Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
