Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
