Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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