My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
