I don't usually arrange sex via text message
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
