I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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