oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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