How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
