he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
