I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize