My nipple is on Facebook.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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