woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
