I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
