I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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