so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
