i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
