I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
