If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
