I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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