what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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