he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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