Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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