Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
