Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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