I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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