you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
