No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
