sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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