are you still at the devil's house?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
