Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
