I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
