A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
