I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
