I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
