dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
