Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
