Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize