Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm always down for nudity.
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