Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I use my feet as sexual weapons
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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