Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
