Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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