dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
