I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My vagina is officially offended.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize