I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
