Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Shame is for Republicans.
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