I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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