I CAN MOONWALK!
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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