John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
