I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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