did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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