So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Floor bacon is actually really good
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
