just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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