even my farts smell like vagina
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
We got so high we made milksteak
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
