It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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