This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
