I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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