Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
