Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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