any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize