She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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